PAUL RANTS

Posted by Paul at June 30th, 2009

It’s official: Michael Jackson is the most famous dead person in history. Can we give it a rest now? Must every media outlet reflect back the magnitude of his fame? OK, he was really, really famous, and he died. He was Global. Bushmen knew of him. Filipino prisoners learned his choreography. And has there ever been anyone so hateful of their own nose? I don’t think so. It doesn’t matter when you were a kid, a young adult, or a middle aged person during the last 40 years, you knew who this guy was. I remember my sister playing the Jackson 5 ABC album when I was 8 and dancing to the Off the Wall album when I was 16, but of course he only got more and more famous. Congratulations to him for his accomplishments. And too bad about the little boys.

UPDATE: There will be a public viewing of Jackson’s corpse at Neverland Ranch. How appropriate.

Posted by Paul at June 11th, 2009

A man in his 30s comes to the library every day to read and browse our collection, we’ll call him Tom. Sometimes Tom can be seen standing motionless in the stacks, concentrating intently on the shelved books. Well, make that between the shelved books. More often than not, a young female will be opposite Tom in the next aisle or at a table studying. Since no one complains and he doesn’t seem to do anything but discreetly watch, management allows him to stay.

A few years ago a library monitor saw Tom “playing with himself”. You might think this sort of activity would get you kicked out of a public library. Not always. Tom marched upstairs and convinced management he wasn’t playing with himself, but simply “adjusting”. These adjustments were necessary, he said, because of a condition known as elephantiasis of the genitals. I am not making this up.

So, Tom and his unwieldy package continue to frequent the library. Until yesterday, when a distraught college girl reported a man loudly masturbating in the stacks. Tom was asked to leave.

UPDATE: Punishment: one month suspension from the library.

Posted by Paul at May 12th, 2009

It’s funny how “conservatives” take the most money from taxpayers. Bush had his history making transfer of wealth from the public sector (everyone) to an elite section of the private sector (less than 1%). Now we have Rick Scott leading the charge against Obama’s healthcare reforms. Scott is the former CEO of a huge for profit hospital that defrauded the government for millions in phony Medicare claims. He resigned in disgrace (if you call a ten million dollar golden parachute disgraceful), and his company paid 1.7 billion dollars in fines. Paying the government instead of stealing from it must have irked him, because now he’s trying to convince us that Obama is hurting taxpayers with his healthcare proposals. He finds himself on the outside looking in as Obama brings healthcare executives to the bargaining table (the honest ones, hopefully). Now Scott is using his ill-gotten gains to scare taxpayers in to thinking it’s healthcare reformers who are dangerous, and he’s the one looking out for the rest of us. But it’s all about which way the money flows. If taxpayers get it back in the form of healthcare or other benefits, that’s not good for people like Scott. His type can’t thrive without money flowing through government and back out as corporate subsidies, needless war contracting, or healthcare scams. It’s no problem for Scott to claim he sides with taxpayers; he knows the government will get paid one way or another. And so, in turn, will he.

Posted by Paul at May 4th, 2009

Steve is a stealth library patron. You never hear a peep from him; he’s just here to use the internet, a regular. Fortyish, white, thin, always wears shorts and a t-shirt, even when it’s cold out. He seems pleasant enough, but there’s something about him I don’t like. I can’t say what, exactly; a certain disdain at the corners of his mouth, an aloofness. But he’s low maintenance, hardly a concern of mine. Until the other day.

I noticed Steve sit down at a vacant computer. He had used one that morning and now it was 1 pm. Could he still have time left on his two hour daily allowance? (I’m a library clerk, OK? What the hell else do I have going on?) So… to the Nerve Center! The computer Steve was at had just been logged-on, but not to his account. It belonged to a Korean man named Hyo living in the Valley. Hyo had not been at that computer, but I’d give Steve the benefit of the doubt. If there’s one thing I’m all about it’s avoiding drama. Seriously, try working with the public sometime. But hey, it’s pretty slow around here in the early afternoon. And what about Hyo? Who would watch out for his interests? Who, I ask you? Steve had apparently found Hyo’s card and was gaining an extra two hours a day of internet time (it can be used to check out materials as well) on Hyo’s back. A lost card, unreported. I took a walk by Steve and made brief eye contact. Nothing there. Except of course for the blatant disdain for library rules. And who am I to him, anyway? Some boob he can outsmart. Well, not so fast there, Steve-o. Back at the Nerve Center I let the cursor hover above the Terminate Session button. On second thought, let him have his free ride. But make no mistake: it would be his last.

Posted by Paul at April 14th, 2009

Here’s film director Kevin Macdonald talking about the closing shot in his new film State of Play, of a newspaper printing press:

“It’s the last hurrah for this analog technology. You look at it and it feels like this noble beast, the last lion in the wilderness . . . ” — LA Times

The closing shot from your movie is the last hurrah of analog technology. Thanks for pointing this out to those of us who weren’t sure when the last hurrah would come, or what it would look like. Indeed, you are the oracle of our times.

Here he is on Brad Pitt, who made a research visit to the Washington Post before dropping out of the movie:

“It was the biggest thing that ever happened there.”

Brad Pitt’s visit to do research for your movie is the biggest thing that ever happened at the Washington Post. Forcing President Nixon from office in 1974 was small potatoes compared to Pitt gracing them with his other-worldly presence. Either that or you’re trying to be funny. Ha ha.

“It’s a thriller with some comedy. The best movies are fun and make you think. Smart entertainment is the thing there’s a shortage of.”

Thank goodness we can rely on you to fill the smart entertainment void with your movie. I guess it’s possible State of Play could be considered one of the best. Haven’t seen it yet. But guess what? You’re still a douchebag.

Posted by Paul at April 3rd, 2009

Cannabis has an identity problem. Each strain has a silly name. Most customers are casual users who convince a middle man doctor affiliated with the seller they need it. Medicinal cannabis dispensaries are more like head shops. In fact, medicinal users should go to pharmacies, and casual users (21 or over) to dispensaries, without having to pay a middle man for the privilege. Sellers could buy from licensed growers in California and buyers would pay tax revenue. A lot of things that should be aren’t, but this is ridiculous. The gun and prison lobbies have clout where cannabis has funny names like Bubblegum Cush.

Alcohol kills and maims, yet we can’t legalize something that makes you cough and eat carbs. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but one egregious wrong and one mild wrong don’t compare (But which is egregious, legal alcohol or illegal cannabis?). The whole two-wrongs-don’t-make-a-right thing is just a trick to make kids behave. Two rights don’t make a wrong either, and a right and a wrong don’t make anything. So who the hell cares what two wrongs make? These things are approached on a case by case basis. OK, I’m high right now.

Posted by Paul at March 18th, 2009

I drive to work through a residential area and for some reason certain people walk in the street instead of on the sidewalk, just traipsing down the road like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I want to stop and tell them: This is where the CARS GO. See this big thing I’m sitting in? It’s a car. You could get hit by one of these big giant cars. See that nice cement path over there by the grass? Yeah, that’s for you.

Then we have the bicyclists. There are a lot more lately, and they need to learn the rules of the road. Beware: they blow through stop signs without so much as a glance to the side. When I was a kid we stopped and looked both ways. At traffic lights we actually got off and walked our bikes in the crosswalk. Such a quaint old custom. Now they just get in the car lane. You’re expected to accommodate them. Roll along at six miles an hour until you get a chance to pass. They even get in the left-turn lane, which is incredibly dangerous when you’re behind them trying to time your turn. They must get out of the way. Seriously. I have a GAS PEDAL.

Posted by Paul at March 16th, 2009

Tap the screen. Not on the copier. The screen on the table next to the copier. OK, touch where it says “copying”. Not “printing”, “copying”. OK, press “exit”… Now tap the screen and this time press “copying”. Now scan your guest pass. Not there. Under the light. Put it flat on the table. See the red light coming off the scanner? Try to line up the bar code under the light. Move it around… (beep). Good. Now type in your four digit PIN. On the guest pass. The four numbers. OK, push “next”. Alright, you can use the copier now. You have 45 seconds to make your first copy. Yes, I’m serious. If you walk away the copier times out. Otherwise someone could use your account. It’s ready now. Push start. The big green button. Push harder. OK, it’s warming up. I don’t know why they changed it. You better get your next page ready before it times out. Don’t forget to press “exit” when you’re done. I know. Yes, I agree, it’s frustrating. You can talk to administration upstairs. You’re welcome.

Posted by Paul at March 13th, 2009

Library patrons now pay for print-outs by adding money to their library cards at an ATM-like machine.

Invariably someone will say: “But I used to just pay here,” and give me a long blank stare. How exactly am I supposed to respond to that?

• Yes. You did, in fact, used to pay here.
• You did? Cool…
• Shut up, you did not!
• Oh yeah, it actually still works that way. What was I thinking? Ha ha.
• It’s amazing, isn’t it? Things that used to be a few months ago are something else now.
• You may still pay here if you like. But that won’t make the printer work.
• Hold on, let me make a few calls and change the system back to the old way. Shouldn’t be more than five or six months. Oh wait, make that never.

Posted by Paul at January 31st, 2009

I know I’m preaching to the choir at this point, but Bush really messed things up in Iraq. They actually made a sculpture of the shoe an Iraqi journalist threw at his face. No joke. A fucking bronze sculpture. To anyone who thinks Bush will somehow be redeemed (as if such a person still existed): No one in Iraq will ever build a statue of Bush. Unless it includes a shoe flying at his face.