PAUL RANTS

Posted by Paul at March 27th, 2008

Hillary Clinton creates her own reality: Sniper fire on her airplane as it lands in Bosnia. She sprints to safety, ducking bullets. But CBS has the 1996 news footage from that day: no snipers; just Hillary and Chelsea being greeted by children.

Senator Clinton claims she “misspoke”. Somehow, when misspeaking, she invented a story out of whole cloth that didn’t happen. Did she confuse it with another dangerous landing? Sorry, the First Lady never had any such landing anywhere. Well, Hillary’s only human. She made a mistake. Oops, lied about being shot at by snipers. Now she asks us to just excuse it, as if it means nothing.

Back to attacking Obama and empowering McCain.

More here from Peggy Noonan.

See Hillary fall

UPDATE: Bosnians Shocked, Angered by Clinton’s Lie

Posted by Paul at March 24th, 2008

White House counsel and torture enabler John Yoo makes a case for crushing a child’s testicles:

Cassel: If the president deems that he’s got to torture somebody, including by crushing the testicles of the person’s child, there is no law that can stop him?

Yoo: No treaty

Cassel: Also no law by Congress — that is what you wrote in the August 2002 memo…

Yoo: I think it depends on why the President thinks he needs to do that.

The President needs the legal option to crush a kid’s balls, should a suitable reason come up. Well thank God it’s entirely George Bush’s decision.

America: Don’t mess with us, or we’ll crush the balls of your children.

It’s about time we had the power to torture kids. They’ve had it too easy for too long. If I’m subject to having my balls crushed, then really, kids should be too. How did government sanctioned child torture stay illegal this long? Finally Bush/Cheney put a stop to all that.

Posted by Paul at March 16th, 2008

The attacks on Obama have come fast and furious from the Clinton campaign. We can only now catch our breath and address some of them (in chronological order):

1) Obama plagiarized a speech. First of all, it wasn’t a speech, it was a few lines about the power of words and some examples from great speeches. Maybe Obama shouldn’t have re-used those lines (which he borrowed from a friend). But only because it makes him a target for Hillary. By the way, she borrowed phrases from John Edwards, without asking. Welcome to Hillary’s bizarro world.

2) Obama praised Ronald Reagan (gasp!). Obama said the Reagan presidency represented a major shift in American politics, which it did. He wasn’t making a judgment of Reagan, he was pointing out how conservatism rose in the 1980s. Obama’s record hardly makes him a conservative. And like it or not, Reaganism did happen. Oh yeah, and there’s no such thing as Clintonism. Unless you’re talking about behavior like this:

3) Hillary, when asked if Obama was a Christian: “As far as I know…” The easily verifiable facts: he’s been going to the same church for 20 years and she’s attended Senate prayer breakfasts with him. But I guess it depends on what the meaning of “know” is.

4) Obama is not ready to be Commander-in-Chief, unlike John McCain. Did she really say that? Oh no she didn’t! I mean, wait, yeah, that’s exactly what she said, more than twice. The nominee for the other party is more qualified. That has to be a first.

5) Obama’s pastor made some anti-U.S. statements so Obama must agree, despite all evidence to the contrary. So to sum up: Obama hates America, is secretly a Muslim, can’t write a speech (Hello? Have you heard this guy speak?) admires Ronald Reagan, and can’t be trusted in a crisis. But he’d make a great Vice President. For a candidate who trails him by 100 delegates and a half million votes. Is anyone following this?

6) In planned acts of televised desperation, Clinton attack dog Geraldine Ferraro tells us Obama got this far because he’s black. Following in the long line of black nominees for President of the U.S, I suppose. So it comes to this: “No fair, he’s black”? What next?

UPDATE: A forthright speech from Obama on race in America.

Posted by Paul at March 1st, 2008

OK, she might make nice arm candy for giant black sumo wrestlers, but teen sensation Miley Cyrus is starting to bug the hell out me. She pops up on every award show and even got interviewed by Barbara Walters after the Oscars (where I learned that Miley has her own wing in the mansion she bought for her and her parents). The girl has reached near total media saturation and shows no signs of slowing down. It’s now at the point where her odd eating habits make the news.

Miley’s dad Billy Ray Cyrus had a hit with Achey Breakey Heart back in the 90s. He was also known for his mullet, which has now been replaced with Keith Urban’s hairstyle. One thing Billy Ray made sure of before his little girl got too famous: she would attend a “purity ball” with him. In case you don’t know what a purity ball is, get ready to be creeped out. It’s a formal dance where a teenage girl brings her dad as a date and promises “to stay true to him” and not have sex with anyone else until marriage. He even gave her a ring (gag). Meanwhile she dresses like this for the paparazzi:

Hello! Oh yeah, she’ll stay true to Daddy. I mean, no pressure, right? Responsible for the livelihoods of hundreds of people, supporting her parents, about to get her driver’s license, designer clothes, purity ball. Oh Yeah, she’ll be fine…

Maybe she should stick with a more innocent look:

That’s better. Much more age appropriate. Let’s see, knee high socks, short plaid skirt… No grown man would ever find that attractive.

Please go away, Miley. Move to Arkansas or something. Get a farm. You made your millions, now go have a normal life. Finish high school, go to college. Get the hell away from your dad and get a nice unfamous boyfriend. Do it now, so we never have to see that VH1 special that we all know is coming: Top Ten Miley Meltdowns.

Posted by Paul at February 29th, 2008

Meet James M., aging foul-mouthed alcoholic verbal abuser. He’s already used the “c” word in the library against two women (that I know of), plus an assortment of other drunken tirades. He managed to sober up long enough to convince the library director to allow him to continue visiting the library as long as he doesn’t “cause any more trouble”. And that’s the third time he’s been given this ultimatum.

Luckily for James, he’s not homeless, schizophrenic, or black. A man fitting that description was nearly tasered and removed in handcuffs for yelling obscenities and throwing a punch. He’s been banned indefinitely.

A janitor was convicted of stealing DVDs three years ago. Since that happened, and to this day, every library employee, from the director on down, must walk through the theft detector at closing time (no more leaving through the side exit) and sign a sheet to verify they have left the building without any non-checked out items. The thief was fired and served his jail term. The remaining janitors continue to work when the library is closed, and are subject to no verification when they leave. Problem solved.

Posted by Paul at February 29th, 2008

Cartoonist Daryl Cagle sums up the Democratic race: 

Posted by Paul at February 23rd, 2008

Ewww! John McCain having sex! I just threw up in my mouth. Pork that lobbyist, you maverick! Yee hah! You know she wants it! Write a bill for her and fill it with pork! Then FILL HER! And you just know that afterwards she had to help him get dressed and comb his hair because he can’t raise his arms.

By the way, here’s the real smoking gun regarding McCain’s ties to lobbyists. He claims he doesn’t take money from them. But of course, that’s a big fat lie. And now he’s contradicted what he said in a 2002 deposition. Uh…whoops!

TOAST.

UPDATE: here’s an interesting tidbit on John McCain’s Jew and Catholic hating enodorser, Pastor John Hagee of Texas.

UPDATE: Telecom Lobbyists tied to McCain

Posted by Paul at February 18th, 2008

From Celebrity Rehab:

It seems pro wrestler Chyna Doll has no family to confront her about her alcoholism so they brought in Greg Brady from The Brady Bunch (Barry Williams) to complain about the time Chyna got up on stage drunk with him in Las Vegas and ruined a song he was trying to sing.

“It was inappropriate,” fifty year-old Greg Brady told Chyna with a hurt expression.

Yeah, Chyna! The last thing you should do when a washed up former child star is “singing” is try and upstage him. Come on, everyone knows that!

Another thing: under what circumstances, other than being drunk off your ass, would you go see GREG FUCKING BRADY SING while you’re in Vegas?

Posted by Paul at February 14th, 2008

Happy Vagina Appreciation Day! Which reminds me, Jane Fonda said “cunt” on the Today show. (She was talking about The Vagina Monologues…) I’ll get a vagina monologue if I don’t do the laundry and wash the dishes before my wife gets home. But we did have a nice Vagina Appreciation, um, Valentine’s Day, including lunch at the Chinese restaurant she always wants to go to and the obligatory exchange of chocolate. Now she’s at work and I’m home alone. That might be sad if February 14th was Penis Appreciation Day, but it isn’t. And that’s because… every day is Penis Appreciation Day! I mean come on, think about it. But seriously, Valentine’s Day is a Madison avenue invention designed to move greeting cards. It can be lonely and cruel, a potential guilt trip for some, an excuse to dote on a sweetheart for others. It all depends on your romantic status. My mom sent me a Valentine’s Day card from the time I moved out until I got married. Kind of creepy, no? Anyway, this is supposed to be a Valentine’s rant not a therapy session. I love my lovely adoring wife. And she loves me. But now I’m officially an old Valentine: next year is the year of the Ox, which means… (never mind, don’t want to think about it; not thinking about it helps the aging process)… Another development: sore from working out. As Kevin Spacey said in American Beauty, I want to look good naked. My Valentine might appreciate that.

Posted by Paul at February 7th, 2008

Mitt Romney leaves the race and takes a swipe at the Democrats:

If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror. — Mitt Romney

So staying in the race would help the terrorists. Well thanks for, um, saving us, Mitt… by quitting. And surrender to terror? What about the billions we’ve surrendered, the thousands of lives we’ve taken or put in harms way? And for what gain? Does he really think finally changing this disastrous policy is a surrender to terror? To common sense, maybe. Just how are we stopping future terrorism by inciting it abroad? It’s so painfully obvious we need a smarter approach to national security and terrorism. This is why twice the number of Democrats as Republicans are voting in the primaries. The thing is, Romney, a moderate Governor, probaby doesn’t really believe this shit, he just thinks it’s what he has to say. What a slimeball. At least McCain has convictions, however misguided.